The Penny Quandry
by speck211
Summary: Sheldon hated things he couldn't anticipate. This particular unanticipated occurrence...this one took the cake.
1. Chapter 1 Penny Blossoms

**AN: Hardly unique, but still fun to write :) Chapter two already in the works. I disclaim ownership of all characters and settings and hair accessories in this story, for this chapter and all subsequent chapters.**

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He never could have anticipated it. Sheldon despised (feared) things he couldn't anticipate. Change and new territory were his mortal enemies - "as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party" his Meemaw would say - always beginning so innocuously then suddenly throwing him for a horrifying loop. But this particular unanticipated occurrence...this one took the cake.

Someone else was to blame, of course. It was all Penny's fault. That blonde, abrasive, whirlwind of pep and disorder he called friend and neighbour. For someone with such a poor intellect, she was remarkably talented at gift-giving.

For Sheldon's own birthday earlier that year, Penny had actually procured a recorded message from THE William Shatner, a.k.a James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the starship U.S.S. Enterprise of the Star Trek universe. Shatner had been a surprise guest teacher for one of her acting classes, and when he was shaking hands and signing autographs after class, Penny had asked if he wouldn't mind recording a brief birthday message on her cellphone to her friend Sheldon Cooper. Shatner had wished Sheldon a happy birthday, all the best, and promised to send a signed DVD collection of the first season of Star Trek, which did arrive a month later.

This assault of kindness resulted in another shameful display of emotion on Sheldon's part, one of very few in his life, as he felt compelled by a terrible sense of gratitude to embrace Penny. He even then allowed her to sit in_ his_ spot for one whole episode of America's Next Top Model, a gargantuan sacrifice on his part. When he had sobered from all the excitement, however, he realized the obligation Penny had put to him. Her birthday was only a few months after his, and while the embrace and the relinquishment of his spot were a good start he still needed to obtain a gift for her that was of equal value in both cost and sentiment. He had no issue with cost, but sentimentality was not Sheldon's forte. He spent weeks, months mulling over possible gifts for Penny. He sat listening over and over to the message from Shatner, (which he had transferred from Penny's phone to a file on his computer), trying to recall and keep fresh the feelings of pure delight and elation he had felt upon first hearing it, in hopes that it would spark some idea of what might bring Penny the same joy. Sadly, nothing he came up with seemed acceptable. He thought of perhaps paying for repairs on Penny's vehicle, or even purchasing an entirely new car, so that he no longer need worry about failing brakes and exploding engine parts when she gave him a lift. But no, that wouldn't do as it certainly wouldn't solve the issue of Penny's careless driving and total disregard for vehicle maintenance. Sheldon also considered cleaning her apartment once a week for a whole six months. While this would afford him a deeper REM cycle, he was uncomfortable with handling other people's dirt and refuse more than was absolutely necessary and anyway his previous attempt at tidying Penny's apartment had caused a week of tumult and discord he'd rather not endure again.

Finally, after a day of nearly four hours straight staring at the screen of his laptop, his brain running in circles, Sheldon developed a plan for the perfect birthday gift for Penny. And none too soon, as her birthday was only a few weeks away.

XXXXXX

Penny ate a birthday breakfast with the four boys at Sheldon and Leonard's apartment, something Sheldon had actually suggested. It came off as a sweet gesture, but in reality he knew Penny had other plans for later and he simply could not wait much longer to get the burden of her gift out of his life. He allowed the other's to give their's first as, frankly, he knew he would blow them all out of the water. He wanted Penny to appreciate his efforts and giving his gift last would accomplish that in the most satisfying manner.

Penny opened Leonard's first, a certificate to a salon and spa in L.A.

Howard gave her a sweater with a plunging neck line.

"For the twins!" he explained with his lecherous grin. He received a hug and a sharp swat to the head for his troubles.

Raj gave her a lovely travel manicure set and his own recording on his cellphone of himself singing her happy birthday. He blushed until it played through, gratefully putting away the phone when it did. He received a hug and peck on the cheek for his efforts.

Finally, Sheldon could barely contain his nervous energy, finally it was his turn.

"I hope you find this to your satisfaction, Penny." He announced, handing his gift over proudly.

"Oh, I'm sure I will sweety, you wouldn't settle for less after all." She joked. It was a large package and she tore it open with relish. She laid eyes upon it and her jaw dropped.

"Oh my God, Sheldon..." she breathed.

Sheldon shifted uncomfortably in his spot. He mistook her shock for disapproval and began anxiously listing off the details of the gift. With the aid of some useful contacts, Sheldon had created the ultimate Penny laptop. Everything about it was top of the line. Top of the line components, software and programs. He had obtained a custom rubber overlay to protect the keyboard from Penny's many accidents with electronics, should she choose to use it. But the best part, the part that had Penny in awe, was the casing. It was also custom made, constructed from the strongest materials out there, to withstand any scrapes or tumbles. Sheldon had designed it to be a brilliant pink, with small yellow and green flowers – Penny Blossoms, she realized – that shimmered and sparkled much like her hair accessories had. There was a laptop bag to match.

"Wow, Sheldon, that must have cost you a fortune!" Leonard exclaimed.

Sheldon didn't reply, eyeing Penny warily as she gazed upon her gift. His fear quickly abated when she suddenly squealed and began bouncing on the couch.

"Sheldon, this is incredible!" she cried, examining the laptop and its components from every possible angle, soaking it in. "Leonard's right, this must of cost you an arm and a leg!"

"A small price to pay." Sheldon pontificated. "This computer is made to stand any abuse you can put to it so you wont constantly be seeking out Leonard or myself for tech support. Not only that but it's perfect for contacting friends and family, for gaming, and for organizing your schedule. It's portable, durable and pink, your favourite colour."

Penny placed her new computer on the coffee table, turning to Sheldon.

"Dr. Cooper, you are full of surprises." She said, her smile filling the room.

And then it happened. The life-altering, throw-him-for-a-loop moment. Penny kissed him.


	2. Chapter 2 Particles Colliding

It wasn't a particularly long or deep kiss. Really, it was just a brief smack on the lips, not unlike the pecks on the cheek or hugs Penny was prone to giving Leonard and Raj (never Howard), merely a somewhat more enthusiastic display of affection in her jubilant state. It couldn't have been longer than one Mississippi, tops. She simply grabbed the sides of Sheldon's face from where she sat beside him on the couch, kissed him with a resounding "Mmmwa!" and released him.

He was paralyzed.

Penny giggled at his stunned expression, eyeing him as though half amused, half waiting for an explosion.

"Sorry, Moonpie, I forgot you detest all forms of physical contact." She laughed, wiping her lip gloss off his bottom lip with her thumb. Then she turned back to her present, gushing over the colour, eager to try it out, clearly thinking nothing of what she had done.

And still Sheldon sat, paralyzed.

Used to odd behaviour from the scientist, no one seemed to notice anything was amiss, with only a brief exchange between Penny and Leonard of,

"Penny, I think you broke him."

"He'll survive. Pass me the power cord."

They had no idea how apt Leonard's statement was. Sheldon's brain was overloaded with racing thoughts. Thoughts of germs, warm hands, infectious diseases, soft lips, Vulcan's, blonde hair, the scent of vanilla, the taste of strawberry lipgloss, homo novus – those and more whipped through his mind like particles in a collider. He didn't dare move, for much like particles in a collider, Sheldon's thoughts were threatening to burst within him.

It took every effort when he finally did risk movement, to quietly excuse himself, stand carefully, and walk even more carefully from the couch to his bedroom, where he quietly shut the door. He heard Penny remark from the living room with a note of fondness,

"Probably gone to find some high power mouth wash. Poor whackadoodle."

Sheldon had hoped retreating to the safety of his bedroom would provide relief of this feeling now overwhelming him. Instead, in the relative silence, it allowed his thoughts to race even more freely. He moved slowly to his bed, laying down in his usual sleeping position, but on top of the covers. He stared unseeing at the ceiling, willing some semblance of calm to wash over him and quiet his mind.

Sheldon thrived on consistency. He did not take well to being blindsided, to say the least. He had felt a hint of this indefinable reaction the few times he had happened to touch Penny. There had been the first day they met – even before touching her, he had been unexpectedly delighted when she appeared impressed by his equations, and had even felt the need to impress her further, (though only momentarily of course). That same day, he lost his pants to her ape of an ex-boyfriend Kurt when Leonard left him no choice but to go along on the useless venture to retrieve Penny's television. It was Penny who was so beholden then that she had embraced Sheldon and Leonard in thanks for their efforts. Much like the kiss, that too had been only a brief moment of contact. But a sensation had run through him so strange that he found himself instinctively turning his body away from Penny. And it had been a total of three times now when he had been so moved by appreciation towards Penny that he had put his arms around her before he could stop himself, and a whisper of that same sensation had afflicted him when he did so. He had dismissed all these instances as isolated and anomalous, due to various states of stress or euphoria and unlikely to occur again.

But now that. _That_ had happened and this time he couldn't simply shrug it off. It was more than his fear of germs. He'd fallen ill twice now due to being close with Penny and had mostly conquered that particular anxiety, though it was still a minor concern. What was truly horrifying was his body's reaction to any form of physical contact with Penny. He had believed himself above the need for animalistic tendencies and his body's base instincts. Like a Vulcan, Sheldon prided himself on being above such ugly attributes as emotion, desire, and sexual attraction. But from the moment he had met Penny, he had been forced to acknowledge and face aspects of himself he had been convinced did not exist. He should've known something like this would happen. Penny was always introducing new and unpleasant things into his life. Not that the feeling itself was entirely unpleasant but the anxiety it provoked certainly was. Sheldon didn't know how to conduct himself when it came to even the idea of attraction. It was akin to being naked in public; it left him feeling very exposed. He'd managed to avoid it his whole life, up until meeting Penny. With her living next door, however, avoidance was out of the question. It didn't help that Penny seemed insistent on forcing her way into his every day. He did his best to be cold, rude and even downright insulting towards her, but that only seemed to make her more determined to be friends with him. Her very presence was an assault against his defences, and that simple kiss had nearly brought them crumbling to he ground.

For once in his life, Sheldon didn't have an answer...


	3. Chapter 3 Shock and Awe

Sheldon didn't sleep at all that night. He spent the entire time trying to rationalize what was happening to him. When day came, he left his room only for his scheduled bathroom breaks and meal times, wishing to avoid interaction if possible. This was made easy by Leonard's being at the university that day. When dinner finally rolled around, Sheldon had been through a list of over a million explanations as to what was happening to him. Just as he heard Raj and Howard entering with the food, he managed to settle on what he felt was the only logical inference to his predicament; he must be allergic to Penny.

He emerged from his room to find his two friends setting the meals out on the living room table.

"Ah, Howard, just the gentleman I wanted to see." Sheldon strode over, his usual air of self-importance having reestablished itself somewhat.

"Really." Said Howard disbelievingly. "You were hoping to run into an 'acquaintance'?"

'If you'll recall, I said "_treasured_ acquaintance," Sheldon countered, "but returning to more important things – you are well versed in the ways of allergic reactions, correct?"

It took Howard a moment to process the meaning of his words. When he concluded that they still made no sense he raised an eyebrow.

"Excuse me?" He asked.

Sheldon sighed with impatience.

"You experience milder allergies aside from your bodies violent protest to peanuts, yes? Cat dander, dust mites, grass..."

"O-kay..." Howard hesitantly confirmed.

"Well I'm curious. What sort of symptoms do you suffer with those lesser allergies?"

They stared at each other, Sheldon expectant and Howard trying to determine what the frack Sheldon was on about, before Howard finally responded.

"What are you getting at Sheldon?" He cut to the chase, wanting very much for this conversation to be over.

"I have an issue." Sheldon sat down beside Howard in his spot. "See, I believe I have begun to develop an allergy."

"Is that so?" Howard responded with utter disinterest, hoping Sheldon would detect it and knowing he wouldn't.

"Yes, to a...person." Sheldon said.

"A person?"

"Yes."

"Whom?" Raj spoke up.

Sheldon's eyes darted about nervously as he tried to come up with an adequate cover.

"First of all, the proper form of the word in such a context is 'who'," Sheldon stalled, "and second, if you must know, it's...it's someone from work."

"Okay," Howard said carefully, interrupting before Raj could ask anymore questions that would make the conversation drag on further, "Sheldon, you do realize that it is next to impossible to develop an allergy to a person?"

"Of course!" Sheldon admonished. "I'm not suggesting the person's self is what I am allergic to. But perhaps their soap or-or brand of clothing; it could be any number of things about them."

"So what are you saying?" Raj asked. "What exactly happens when you are with this person."

"Well," Sheldon began, a hint of the sensations washing over him upon imagining, "I become out of breath, my head swims, my heart rate accelerates to hummingbird velocity, my hands become slick with sweat...I could go on, the symptoms are numerous."

Howard shook his head at the description of what was obviously not an allergy.

"Sheldon, that-"

But Raj raised a hand to stop him. He was studying Sheldon with a look that teetered between bewilderment and concern.

"Good Lord...Sheldon...it's a woman isn't it?"

"What?" Sheldon stiffened.

"What?" Howard asked in a 'seriously, you too?' sort of tone.

"Don't you get it?" Raj said. "Sweaty palms, dizziness, rapid heart rate - he's not allergic, he's-," Raj paused, his expression suggesting he couldn't believe what he was about to say. "He's attracted."

Sheldon blustered at the accusation. In actuality he was upset that his fear had been confirmed over what he had been feeling for Penny when he had come to his friends for reassurance that it could be anything but..._that_. Rather than admit that, however, he attempted to pass it off as being indignant.

"How dare you!" He declared. "What a ridiculous thing to say Raj. I am not some mindless _jackaninny_ at the mercy of his primitive biological urges. I would never indulge in such behaviour."

"Maybe not willingly," Raj said, "but trust me Sheldon, take it from someone who is immobilized at the mere sight of a woman – you are attracted to this girl. Or guy, if that's the case."

"A girl of course...I mean...shut up!" Sheldon stood and rushed away once again to the refuge of his room, leaving Howard and Raj stunned in his wake.

"Sheldon is attracted to a girl." Howard said as if seeing how the words tasted in his mouth. "I have to say, I'm a little scared."

He picked distractedly at his meal with a shake of his head. Raj, however, remained still as another shocking revelation dawned on him.

"Holy crap." He breathed.

"What?"

"I know who the girl is."

Howard scoffed.

"How could you possibly know that? He was clearly lying about it being a woman from work."

"Yes, that's true." Raj agreed. "But think about it Howard. Yesterday when he gave Penny her birthday present she kissed him. Because of that he escaped to his room."

"Yeah, so? He's an anal nutbag, what does that have to do with anything?'

"Exactly. We assumed it was because he was angry at Penny for passing germs or some other insanity but...I think it's something else. I think the girl he's attracted to is Penny."

A stark silence fell between the two until-

"Right, okay, you nearly got me there, Raj. Good one."

"This is no joke. Sheldon has the hots for Penny." Raj stated with conviction.

"You're officially as nuts as he is." Howard said.

"Fine. I'll bet you fifty bucks I'm right." Raj stuck out his hand to his friend.

Howard shook it gladly.

"Fine. You'll lose that bet buddy."

"We'll see..."


	4. Chapter 4 Okay

AN: Made some minor revisions to a few chapters, biggest in Chapter 1. Nothing substantial just changed the description of Penny's computer to be a little less specific.

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Sheldon barely made it through work the next day. As it was, he was twenty minutes late for the first time in years. He stared at his white boards spilling over with equations but could not bring himself to focus. He had barely slept again the night before, endlessly going back and forth between the emotions of fear and anger. He was angry over his own reaction to Penny's impetuous behaviour and terrified of having to endure her presence, which when he was home was of course impossible to avoid without doing something rash and calling attention to himself. The whole situation was dangerously out of control and he was concerned he might do or say something he would regret.

Just as he anticipated, when he arrived home that evening Penny was seated on the couch with Leonard who was just finishing up showing her how to use one of the programs on her new computer. Sheldon closed his eyes and took a deep breath to steel himself against the anxiety and other uncomfortable emotions rising inside him before closing the door behind him. Both his friends turned upon hearing the door shut and smiled up at him.

"Hey Sheldon." Leonard said. Penny's smile grew.

"Sheldon thank you so much again, I love my computer." She said, standing up. "You can be so thoughtful when you want to be."

Sheldon's eyes went wide as she started to come toward him and he turned away, afraid she might try to hug or touch him in some way again. He pretended to be preoccupied with the items in his messenger bag.

"It's fine. Whatever keeps you from constantly badgering us for our tech skills." He hoped she didn't notice the somewhat strained quality to his voice. Insulting her wasn't helping as it usually did, instead leaving a bad taste in his mouth.

Penny was unaffected however and merely smiled as she stopped her approach and said with a sigh, "Leave it to you to put a person down for showing you gratitude Sheldon." She shook her head.

"You can hardly deny its what you do..." Sheldon couldn't help but retort.

Leonard, who must have been sensing a battle of wits brewing between the two, stood up and went to grab his keys from the bowl.

"Okay, Howard and Raj are going to be here soon. I'm going to go get dinner. You two have fun."

Sheldon's head shot up and he turned sharply. If Leonard left he would be alone with Penny and that was not acceptable in his state. He looked stricken as Leonard opened the door.

"Leonard, wait!" He called out. Leonard stopped but didn't turn around. He rolled his eyes as he looked up at the ceiling.

"I know, Sheldon - dill pickles not sweet, individual relish packets, onion rings, extra breading and if they say no protest vociferously, okay? I'll be back as quickly as I can, _good bye_." He walked out then, leaving Sheldon staring after him in horror.

Sheldon looked around fearfully before warily turning his attention to Penny. She didn't seem to notice anything was amiss, even giving him a pleasant grin as she moved back to the couch and began to pack up her computer.

"Well anyway, Sheldon," she said, "you might be a an arrogant ass, but I still appreciate this.

Sheldon fiddled with the strap on his bag. He still hadn't found the courage to move from his desk.

"Yes, well you certainly made that clear when I gave it to you." He said, avoiding her gaze.

"Oh yeah," she said with a sheepish grin, knowing to what he was referring. "Sorry about that."

"As well you should be." He bit out, more hastily than he intended. He fidgeted as Penny slowed her actions of putting her computer in its bag and eyed him suspiciously. Did she know what he was feeling? He was too busy inwardly panicking (and also far too ignorant of the subtle nuances of human expression) to notice her visage change to one of mischief.

"I denno, Sheldon," she began, standing from the couch, "you just seem to bring that stuff out in me."

"Stuff?' He questioned, genuinely confused. He finally risked putting his bag on the chair and walking to the kitchen while mentally willing Leonard to hurry back or better yet, Penny to leave.

"You know what I mean." Penny said coyly. Sheldon tried to ignore her, sticking his head in the fridge to search for anything to distract himself from the agony that was his current circumstances.

Penny continued, moving over to him. "And I don't know about you Sheldon, but...I kinda liked doing it."

"Doing..." Sheldon trailed off as he began to grasp what she was getting at. He stood slowly from the fridge. His throat had become unbearably tight and he tugged at the collar of his t-shirt as he moved to evade Penny's advance. She was too quick for him though and he found himself trapped between her and the kitchen island.

"That's right." She said, her words dripping with feigned seduction (the feigned aspect going right over Sheldon's head). "It was actually a lot of fun. Almost makes me...wanna do it again." She leaned in closer.

Sheldon caught a whiff of her vanilla perfume and gripped the counter behind him to remain standing. He had no idea how to respond and anyway his throat was now so tight that he could only choke out a high pitched "Oh?"

"Yeah, I think it would be great." Penny leaned in, delicately placing a finger on Sheldon's chest. "What do you say Sheldon?"

Sheldon said nothing at first. He decided that he must be dreaming. Whether it was a good dream or a nightmare he wasn't sure, but it was the only explanation that made sense in this completely surreal situation he found himself in. He had no choice but to give over to the absurdity of it all and found himself finally replying in a near whisper.

"Okay."

Penny, who'd been playfully stroking the emblem on his shirt, shot her eyes up to his. At first she thought he might be joking.

"What?" She said with a small laugh, almost impressed that he even understood how to play the game. But upon further contemplation it occurred to her – when did Sheldon ever recognize anything even remotely false or sarcastic? She realized that he must be being sincere. Her grin faded as her face fell.

"What?" Sheldon echoed, startled back to his surroundings by her question. He straightened up a little as Penny hastily dropped her hands and took a step back.

"Oh my God, Sheldon you're...you're serious."

Sheldon looked around in confusion, as if only now understanding the implications of what he had said. He slowly reached out into thin air.

"Did...did I just say...'okay'?" He asked, his voice shaking.

"Look, I was only joking Sheldon, I'm sorry I didn't mean-"

But he didn't hear her. He stepped cautiously away from the counter as if afraid the ground would open up beneath him. The gears ground visibly in his head.

"I did. I said...'_okay_'!"

He sounded almost frantic. Penny felt very unnerved and immediately began planning an exit.

"You know what? It's all right. Let's just...pretend this never hap-"

They both jumped as Howard and Raj entered. They stood at the door looking between Penny and Sheldon with puzzlement.

"We're just here for dinner, guys, not to ransack the place at gunpoint. What's going on?" Howard asked.

"Nothing." Penny said, moving to collect her things. Sheldon remained still and silent, staring at the wall across from him.

"Right...well then, will you be joining us tonight Penny? Bernadette might stop by."

"Actually, I'm not feeling so well. I'm going to make it an early night, but maybe some other time. Bye guys."

Penny slung her bags over her shoulder and rushed out the door. Howard and Raj looked at Sheldon.

"Sheldon," Raj sighed, "what did you do now?"

Sheldon slowly turned his attention to the duo, though he didn't really seem to be seeing them at all.

"I said 'okay'." He breathed. Without further explanation he walked in a daze out of the kitchen and down the hall to his bedroom.

Back in the living room, Raj fixed Howard with a knowing look.

'Oh please, that means nothing." Howard said, though he didn't sound convinced. "You're not getting fifty bucks."

"We'll see..."


	5. Chapter 5 Not What I Meant

By the time Sheldon reached his bedroom door he had made a complete emotional shift. The daze had lifted; now he was livid. What the hell did Penny think she was doing? How dare she put him in such an uncomfortable situation! He was sick of her constant interfering and torture. Enough was enough!

He marched back into the living room and without a word to his friends still sitting there left his apartment to Penny's front door. He slammed his fist against it only three times. The door slowly opened to reveal Penny looking rather terrified.

"Sheldon." She stated.

"You had no right to do that to me!" Sheldon declared, waving a finger in her face. He pushed past her into her apartment without being invited. Penny didn't object.

Instead she shut the door behind him and said carefully, "I know. Sheldon, if I'd known...how you feel, I would never-"

"How I feel! How I feel is furious!" Sheldon's voice was growing louder. "You..._molested_ me into a corner!"

"You're right." Penny said, trying to placate him. "It was a huge mistake. I never should have done it and I never will again. End of story. We can just put this behind us." She gave him a pleading look.

"No!" He shouted. "Not 'end of story'. I'm not finished with you yet." He moved toward her position by the door.

"Oh, God." She groaned, nearly taking a step back. A truly angry Sheldon always unsettled her. "What else is there?" She asked.

The words had barely left her mouth before he grabbed her by the arm and kissed her. Of all things, Sheldon's technique surprised Penny the most. He was without question a bumbling and awkward individual in general, most especially when it came to intimate or even basic physical contact. And yet his kiss was firm and sure with a pleasant and gentle pull on her bottom lip. For someone who purportedly had never engaged in any intimacy before, who insisted such things were a waste if time, he sure seemed to know what he was doing. Penny was becoming practically breathless.

Then Sheldon's eyes abruptly shot open and he pushed away from her. His face paled rapidly.

"That's not what I meant to say – do, rather. I mean-" He stammered, looking frantic. He'd come to give her hell for her advances on him and now here he was, making what she'd done look like a Disney movie.

Penny was speechless.

"i have to go...dinner. To eat. Dinner." Sheldon managed to get out before stumbling to the door and exiting.

Penny remained where she was, raising a hand to her lips. A shudder ran through her and she breathed, "Holy crap on a cracker..."

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**AN: Sorry for the huge delay between chapters, for those who care :) I was hit with writers block and have been working on another fic that I'm quite involved in as well so...FINALLY I got this chapter up. Further apologies if it's kinda meh. I'm really struggling for inspiration these days. I hope you enjoy all the same!**


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